The everyday stresses of working can take a toll on anyone but trying to handle those stresses while clinically depressed is a load that is too much to bear. Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t recognize the signs of depression and even if they do they feel they are being weak if they acknowledge those feelings. It’s extremely important that people get the help they need to deal with the negative feelings. This is a chemical imbalance. It has nothing whatsoever to do with strength of character or anything else. A friend allowed me to publish something she had written about how she feels. If any of you have feelings like this please see a doctor. Take the prescriptions that get prescribed. It’s crucial. Just so everyone knows, my friend is getting the help she needs. It’s a tough road but she’s working on it.
“For what seems like years I’ve been living this façade. Day in and day out, I have to attempt holding my head up in hopes of not being completely transparent to others. It seems like most days that I fake smiling the hardest are the days that I’m begging for help from the inside. It gets tiring having to hide behind a smile day in and day out both at work and at home.
I have always said I wasn’t the type of woman who needed saving; I was definitely wrong. I don’t mean the type of saving from a knight and shining armor, I mean the type of saving from someone that sees right through me and tells me I’m okay, even if it isn’t true in my eyes. My surroundings aren’t the best however; I don’t blame my problems on others. Granted, I do admit some issues that occur at home or in my life in general do affect me but I know they aren’t the root to my issues.
Where do I begin? Childhood? Teenage years? Relationships? They were all a downward spiral. Why be that person who tells her life story if no one cares to hear it? It’s difficult to believe in myself or my abilities if I have learned that everything that I have been through was on me. At the end of the day, I am the common denominator in every equation of crap that has happened. I can only blame myself for my problems and for what has brought me to this point.
These things that I feel are overwhelming. I feel like I am drowning and no one is in sight to pull me out, out of this black hole that I’m paddling so hard to get out of. It seems like each day that passes; a piece of me dies a little. I’ve gotten to the point to where I don’t know who I am anymore. I try to be what everyone needs and I’ve lost sight of who I am. I don’t always succeed at keeping everyone in my life happy but I continue to try. It’s normal for me to feel like if everyone is content than I’m actually worth something and am doing something right for a change. No one knows how I feel about myself nor do they care. No one knows that I don’t like to even look at myself in the mirror because of what I see. No one knows that I realize how worthless I really am and that I am a waste of space. Waste. That word doesn’t even begin to describe what I am. I’ve taken steps to rid myself of this place but have never followed through because I’m a coward and think to myself, “If I do this and it doesn’t work, I’m going to look like an idiot and have to explain myself.” I feel like I’m stuck. I’m in a place that doesn’t want me and surrounded by people who claim to love me or care for me but wouldn’t really remember me if I was gone or wouldn’t miss me. I’m okay with that though, I don’t need to be missed or thought of, what’s the point in that? Eventually my name would just fade off and that would be the end of it. I know others would be better off without me ruining their lives or ruining them as people. I’m like a disease with no cure. I don’t know how to be better and the misery is getting harder to stand. Unfortunately, all I can do is try to cope at this point.
I spend my days at home making sure everyone is taken care of. At times if I’m lucky, I’ll lock the door to the room and just enjoy the silence that I crave when I’m in my own head. I tend to just watch the world from my window, waiting for sleep to come as often as possible. I find myself staring at the ceiling wishing I knew when the end would be near. I’d end it if I could, instead I release but only to the point of relief. I read to distract myself, I listen to music but most of the time it only speaks the truth to me and makes me feel what I’m feeling even deeper within. I use to write my woes away, but I would end up re-reading them and criticize myself for how the words would flow out of me. I guess it’s true what they say, we are our hardest critics. I try therapy; I try pills to make me forget what I’m thinking or feeling. Artificial happiness is what I call those. I don’t want to be on meds that make me “happy.” I just wish it was easier to find my way and easier to find whatever “happiness” there is out there. Honestly, I’m beginning to believe that this is as good as it gets and I will just have to make do with what is in front of me. Now, I know that’s not fair to the people in my life. I’m not saying by any means that they aren’t good enough or that they are the issue. We are all given paths and tools in life and use them however we choose to, I suppose I just haven’t made very good choices. I only feel like I’m bringing them down so I’ve learned to keep quiet as much as possible about things. I mean, do my feelings really matter?
Each day that passes is another battle won for me. It means I made it through the day and will see the light of the next. At times, I’m not so sure that is a good thing but I suppose that’s the screwed up part of me thinking like that. I know everyone is a little screwed up or has their issues but damn, I never thought mine would get the best of me. It seems like the older I get, the harder these feelings and thoughts hit and it is getting harder to dust myself off after I pick myself back up. Each hit leaves a mark and I’m losing faith in a lot of aspects of life.
I know I know, things could be worse, some people in the world have it a lot worse than me. I try to remind myself of that so I can keep going but at times, it just doesn’t work. I guess it doesn’t help any that I keep a lot in but that’s just how I function. I internalize feelings and most things that bother me and I tend to go over my past and my current situations over and over again in my mind to the point where my thoughts are screaming at me at night while I’m trying to fall asleep. Maybe I should spew out everything on paper and see if that gives me some sort of relief. There’s a lot built up, lots of stories, lots of secrets, lots of events that made me who I am. I know things happen for a reason but I feel like life just loves to play me for a fool and is just waiting for me to give up after I’ve hit yet another bump in the road. So there’s the dilemma, give up or keep going. I guess we’ll see after I’ve let everything out on paper. Next time, it will be a page full of drama and events that brought me to where I am today.”